Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
17 year olds will be the death of me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
