I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
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Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
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Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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