Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
