So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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