getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
