He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
