I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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