i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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