There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
