"it" just moved
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
