yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
two words: eviction party
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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