There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
