Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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