Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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