WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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