If i come over, it means nothing
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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