does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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