they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
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and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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