just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
