ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
