His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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