She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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