It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
