U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
