Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
