ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
