I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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