Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
