drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
