You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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