i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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