We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
