OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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