one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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