I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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