i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
