I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
