so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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