We're like a lot better than the average bears
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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