Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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