Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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