I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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