I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry my hands just texted you
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
