I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
