So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
