i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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