THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
