A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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