we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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