i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
