Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
id be glad to
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
