From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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