Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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