I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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