I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
