She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it š
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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