dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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