So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
